I decided to postpone my plenty of fish dating and move on to bigger and better dating websites. (What I mean by that is going from free to paid subscription, in hope of finding less trashy guys). This is costing me a fortune, an $80.00 fortune. The things I do for love.
The website is called “How about we…” Basically you create a profile, answer some basic questions and post what you would consider 3 ideal dates you would like to experience. I really had to think about this one for a while. God forbid I write anything that could be interpreted as “I’m easy” or “I’m desperate.” So I decided on the following:
How about we… go to a museum (can’t really go wrong with that one right?) Maybe I will meet an educated, sophisticated and witty young man. Done.
How about we…carve pumpkins (a little flirtatious, but not too much). I was hoping to get a really good down-to-earth guy who likes to get a little dirty, quite literally). That could be a turn-on for me. Sold.
How about we…put questions into a hat and pull them out one by one to discuss. This was a generic example that the website gave me. I figured I can’t go wrong if the website is suggesting this as a date, right? We’ll see. It better if I am paying $80.00! Make it happen!
Bam. I’m finish. Now I wait and see whom I can reel in.
I get a message from a guy we will call “Herschel” (ha-ha. What a lame name). He says that he is interested in carving pumpkins and drinking pumpkin beer, so I gladly accept his offer to meet. Mind you, our first date had nothing to do with pumpkins, at all. We ended up meeting at some random Italian restaurant. How that happened, I have no idea. Anyway, we meet, talk, split an appetizer and pizza then call it a night. Nothing exciting happened to be honest, but he did walk me back to my car, gave me a hug and text me later saying that he had a great time. Fair enough, I did too.
One thing that I want to mention at this point is the fact that on this date I did several things wrong. How do I know this? He pointed them out to me. Literally. So I have a hard time making eye contact with people, especially if I like them, so I unknowingly stare at random objects, or just stare at my food. Never making eye contact is a bad idea. He said to me at one point, “is there a leprechaun in the parking lot that I can’t see?” I was mortified. But that still did not stop me from continuing to do it for the remainder of the date. I am an idiot for sure.
Another thing is that I like my space. I don’t want people all up on my grill. So I make sure that whoever I am with knows this, by stepping back when they get closer or getting quiet when I start to feel like they are getting too close to me. This normally doesn’t have much of an impact until the very end of the date. You know what I’m talking about. The dreaded ‘goodbye’ hugs. I still have not figured out if I should always give a hug goodbye or a handshake on the first date, or if I should get in my car right away. I hate those awkward moments of uncertainty. I wish I could cut out of a date the initial meeting and the awkward goodbyes at the end. I don’t mind the middle so much except the whole leprechaun comment. Yikes, I am pathetic.
I must have done something right because he did ask me out again on a second date. Wow. A second date. Does a second date mean that you are technically “dating?” I have no idea. It made me nervous. We met at a local Vietnamese restaurant and sat outside, chatting it up or what I call screaming at each other trying to talk over the obnoxious kids that were sitting next to us. Do you know how awkward it is going on a second date and random children walking up to you and showing you their awesome McDonald’s toys? Now I have the extra pressure of entertaining two complete strangers. The worst part is that I know he is automatically judging how I react to this little brat to see if I would make a good mother. I know you think that’s a crazy thought, but I know its true. And it pisses me the fuck off. Kids are so unpredictable. They can be all happy and smiley one moment and the second you open your mouth or reach out to interact with them they scream bloody murder. I don’t have time for that shit, not now. I am trying to bag a man. So I decided to shoot a small smile and just to ignore the little runt. It works.
We leave together in his car and drive to get ice cream. I thought that getting in his car was a little ballsy, but I did it anyway. I did in fact let him know that I was nervous and showed it by cramming myself so close to the door with my face practically glued to the window. Maybe I am just being paranoid, but I don’t know if something bad could go wrong. I mean my life is now in his hands. I watch way too many murder mystery shows. That was an awkward 5-minute drive that felt like an hour. The ice cream was good and before I knew it we were right back at the awkward end of the date. This time he doesn’t even go in for the hug. I am shocked. He just starts walking away. I ask him why he is not going to give me a hug. His exact words were, “I am afraid that if I go in for a hug, you are going to punch me in the face.” I was mortified. I couldn’t show it then, so I laughed it off and ran to give him a friendly hug. “What the fuck just happened,” I thought as I sat in my car watching him drive away. What kind of signals am I giving him? I never told him that if he hugs me I would punch him; at least I don’t remember saying it. I made sure to not drink any alcohol pending something like that slipping from my lips. I’ve had issues in the past of men trying to make a move on me the first date, so I was trying in my mind to prevent that from happening again and gain a guy’s respect. At that point I just starting cursing at myself while blasting my favorite Carrie Underwood’s sappy love song, “Always be a quitter.” I remember saying things like, “Do you want to be an old cat lady? Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?” I replied, ‘no,’ but I had no idea what I was doing wrong. I decided at that point that I needed an intervention. I needed to confide in people I trusted and so I went home to talk to my roommates about the situation. I honestly thought they were going to really lay down the law, but instead they were on the ground laughing at the little details I provided them, the whole smooshing myself close to the door, not making eye contact, the leprechaun comment, awkward hugs and no action. Basically they told me that I need to let my guard down and let things flow, not to think too much into it. Can’t be that hard right? So I call the guy to talk about it. He told me that he was having trouble reading me and he was never sure if I really like him or not. I blaintantly said that I did like him and that I would love to hang out again. I wanted to show him my softer side. I knew that this would be a challenge not to use my sarcasm as a defense mechanism, like I was supposedly using previously. I decided to do something cute, something unique to my personality. It took a lot of planning.
I go back to square one. I look at his dating profile and see that he had selected the questions in a hat idea as an ideal date, so I take the time to ask around for ice breaker questions at work and home and compile a list of 50 interesting questions, which I wrote out on individual post-it notes. I fold them all the same, making sure that they don’t stick together and put them in a plastic back (I don’t own a hat and I am not buying one). (Oh, and I make him pumpkin cookies). I went all out for this guy. Anyway I surprise him the next time we hung out with the questions and he was so excited and into it. We sat by my pool and talked about some of the questions. I thought that it went really well. Anyway, I had surgery the next morning so I needed to call it a night. He walked me to my door and we stood there staring at each other awkwardly again. And for some reason I just blurted out, “Do you want to kiss me?” He started rambling about sure I would if you wanted too…so I just walked up to him and kissed him. But it was only for 2 seconds because then I got really nervous. So I said goodnight. That was it. I was in heaven all night. I was so happy that I couldn’t sleep. He text me the next morning and wished me good luck. After the surgery, he had to fly to New York for business. We talked briefly through text while he was away. He never called to check on me, which I thought was weird. I always had to initiate the conversation. So he got back this past Tuesday and he stated that he would contact me to hang out again. Saturday came around and I hadn’t heard anything. My friend Vanessa said that I was thinking about it too much and that I just needed to reach out to him because guys are lazy. So last night I sent a text asking if he wanted to hang out and he said that he is free Tuesday night for dinner. This coming Tuesday night. I agreed that Tuesday would be good for me, and he never responded. Great, now I am paranoid.
Now I am freaking out. If he really did like me, wouldn’t he call me? Wouldn’t he text me more? I don’t know so I decided to try and figure it out on my own. I found the book, “He’s just not that into you” that a friend gave me a year or two ago and started reading right away. Want to know what I found? Something that has crushed my heart and makes me questions his intentions. The first chapter was entitled; “He’s just not that into you if he’s not asking you out.” Wow. Maybe they are right. He never did contact me right away when he got back from his business trip. I contact him 4 days later. Maybe that was a sign that he’s really not that interested. Maybe I am being paranoid I thought so I keep reading. Chapter number two is entitled; “He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you.” Oh fuckin great. He’s not into me, he never calls me. I thought that since we have new technology, texts etc. that this didn’t count, but apparently it does. Now I am pissed. I have been making excuses for him as to why he is not contacting me. The book states that if he were into you, no matter how busy he is, he will find a way to get in touch with you. No if’s ands or buts about it. That stings a little. Just a little.
So now what do I do. Do I cancel on Tuesday? Do I still go? I don’t know what the hell to do. Do I confront him about his intentions or do I just move on? I hate dating. Despise it. My pop says to go and to look him in the eyes as he talks, saying that the eyes are the windows to the soul. I can tell just by the way he looks at me. Well thanks pop; I prefer to stare at leprechauns in the distance. Fuck.
